Coming Back to Write
maybe it is a time to write without fear and stress
I enjoy writing. I do. I recall I chose to write a book (a handwritten story on a composition notebook) for my 6th-grade summer break creative project assignment. Most of the kids made something crafty or artsy stuff. At that time, I began to enjoy reading fiction books, and I thought why should not I write a story? So, I did.
On the first day back to school after the break, I turned in the simple composition notebook as my project in the middle of colorful and elaborate craft and art objects that decorated the display tables in the auditorium for everyone to see and waiting to be judged by the teachers. I was not expecting anything. I thought teachers would question why I turned in the notebook. To my surprise, I got the first place on my project. My 6th-grade teacher praised me how unique my creation was. I was happy and proud of myself.
Then, something changed. I moved to the United States, and the English language became my dominant language.
The act of writing gave me the multiple layers of fear and stress. Making grammatical errors was horrifying. Every time I had to share what I wrote, I took it was the act of self-imposed embarrassment. Whenever I received comments about my grammatical errors from peers, teachers or the reviewers of the refereed journals, conferences, or grant agencies, I took those comments as if they were personally harassing me, as if I am no good and ill-fitted for their “groups.” No mercy. Just brutal. That’s how I felt.
Most of all, I did not like myself procrastinating the act of writing to avoid the fear of embarrassment and humiliation. Then, I began to create a spiral of unhealthy behaviors by piling up the writing commitments and their deadlines followed by binge-writing at the last minute with tremendous stress. My actions were so contradictory to the love for the act of writing.
I am glad that I broke the spiral by literally leaving my job as a tenured faculty member. Since then, I have had more time to see the world outside of the academy. Then, I came across with the Minimalists. As I read their essays and listened to podcast episodes, I began to think, “maybe it is a time to write without fear and stress.”
I am grateful for the Minimalists who unapologetically express what’s more important things in our life. I am reconnecting to one of the most important things in my life – that is expressing my gratitude in writing.
With gratitude,
GE